out of control

this afternoon, i did a very terrible thing to my son, something that i never thought i could do, especially so that he was just 6 months old..  and until now, i am so laden with guilt that i cannot breath without feeling remorse for myself for having done that..

o god, please forgive me, please Lord...

yes, i was tired.
yes, i was sleepy.

and maybe, i was a little bit depressed.

but these were not enough to excuse me for being a terrible mommy, even if it was just for a few seconds...

what happened then?

we just arrived from town, having bought groceries for his needs this week.  after changing to clean clothing, i turned on the air con and readied ourselves to settle for an afternoon nap. 

then, he started crying. 

i tried giving him milk, he just brushed it aside.  thus, i tried water.  that too, he brushed aside, and quite angrily, might i add.  by this time, he was crying his heart out, his wail so loud that his face began to darken. 

with soothing words, i scooped him in my arms and rocked him back and forth,slowly massaging his back.  still, that did not have any effect on his crying.  my mind was then racing with thoughts on what could i do to stop him from this terrible tantrum.  i even tried changing his diaper.  tried showing him pictures, talking animatedly, making funny faces..  everything i did, nothing worked. 

frustration was building up inside me as his cries accelerated to screaming wails.  then, my patience ran out. i took him by the shoulders and suddenly shook him out of his wits.  it was a deed so unexpected that it took us both by surprise.  how could have i let my emotions, my anger get the better of me?  there was simply no excuse to have done that.  it could have broken my son's bones or worse, his neck could have snapped.

o god, please forgive me.  please lord...

he stopped crying after that.  though there was not a trace of fear on his face, i was, however, pained on the way he was looking at me.  it seemed, with his innocent gaze, he was telling me it was okay, that he had forgiven his mommy for her bad, bad deed. he was still so achingly trusting, his bright, round eyes were still filled with love for me despite of what i did.. 

right then and there, i wanted to pull him in my arms and hold him tightly.  but right then and there, i was too afraid to touch him, not trusting my hands to even go an inch near his small body...

for a few seconds of uncontrolled anger, i had forgotten how precious my son was.  for a few seconds, memories of how much we prayed and wished and longed for him for 9 years, and on how hard we had fought for him during a very difficult and dangerous pregnancy, had been erased by a sudden bout of rage and frustration. 

tsk..

it might take a long time for me to forgive myself for putting my son's life in danger. 

or, i might never be able to.

o god, please forgive me.

please Lord?